Free Safety Signs

What u think of my horrible writing?

My mouth began to taste cold and tasteless,my lips chapped as i touched them with my numb hand. "Wake up billy" i said as i stumbled to get up. Trent ached in pain as he opened and closed his eyes noticing he was still in his so called nightmare. "Are you okay bro?" i said to him softly. He cried in agony..."Your gonna be alright man i'll just heat something up". As i went through all the trash in the abandoned house we called our home, i noticed we had only one can of soup left. I couldn't cry, or feel sorry since i was the oldest, i knew i had the responsibility as a big brother. I connected the heating pan into the torn down wall and slammed opened the can with no label on it. I walked back to trent and put my hand onto his face, you could almost feel the warmness as i touched his pale white skin against my fingers. "I'm going to the market to get you some medicine, don't worry". As i walked through the alley and onto the sidewalk i noticed people in their houses eating their precious meals and having their times of their lives. Both parents dead and only the loneliness they left behind was all we had. My memory came back and i felt as i was still running away from home that night. The door of the super market opened with a screech. The smell of sugar came upon my nose and i inhaled only to feel and hear the rumble of my stomach. I took off my jacket and wrapped it around my waist since the heater felt as if it were a hot summer day at a park. I stood staring at things as if i were i had interest in them so i could blend in with the crowd. I looked around and took the labels off two cans of hot tomato and veggie soups. I kept walking looking at the isle signs so i could navigate myself into the medicine isle. I looked around and took a bottle of Dristan cold pills. As i made my way down the isle i opened the bottle and i forced the pills into my thin jacket and put threw the bottle to the side. I felt an arm on my shoulder and was immediately shocked with adrenaline, my face got hot and red and a feeling on my chest and stomach felt non ending. With relief i giggled to myself in my head as the man passed by with no taught of what i was doing. I was about to walk out but saw a bright red fire truck that got my instantly got my attention. I could almost see Trent pushing the fire truck with an almost perfect smile on his face. My indecisiveness came through my head. It was christmas and i put myself in a position where i pictured myself at home thinking i could of gotten that fire truck so i went on and grabbed it. I went through the right door where no security guard was to be seen. Walking through the door brought me happiness and put a smile to my cold face. A stubby hand touched grabbed my shoulder, it almost seemed as if it were a type of clamp. I looked over my shoulder and a man with an almost unforgettable face looked at me with madness. It was a cop. I shook my arm and ran through the snow as if it were a marathon. The man couldn't stop chasing me the more i sped up the more tired i felt. The man pulled out his gun as i looked back,and a loud noise conquered the city block. A pain through my back and chest came running up my spine,legs and arms. I looked up and saw smoke coming from my house. The man jerked his gun around, clicking his safety lock back forth. He stood looking straight in and out my wound. I touched my hot boiling blood as it made sounds of gore. My eyes starred deeply into the smoke and the side of the house. I couldn't think of any way our house could of gone up in flames. I heard loud sirens as i dropped the fire truck onto the black dirty snow. Actually , i wrote that from another answer that some guy had asked what they think of his writing so i wrote this in 20 minutes :P i didn't go over it like most writers would of. Im only 16..and ive liked writing but i do always put myself down and always think im not the best at anything :\ i dont quite know how to say that. I loved reading your comments and thank every sinlge one of you for helping me.

Public Comments

1. It needs some serious editing, but it has more potential than a lot of the other story bits that end up in this section.
2. your language is good but your genre isn't clear from the start.
3. Honestly I like it, it is easy to read and you express things differently then others and it is interesting too. very nice keep the good work.
4. Well it definately requires some editing, I noticed several spelling and grammatical errors. However, it was also very good. I was slightly lost at the beginning but was caught up in it halfway and the ending is very dramatic. You could make it more interesting and dramatic by including more description in some parts, however overall a very good read, I quite enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.
5. well first of all, i think you shouldn't say your writing is horrible. It gives the impression that you are fishing for compliments, or have no self-esteem. I liked it. But of course, like all things, it needs work. Don't give up. And be more descriptive. more attention to detail. :)
6. This sounds great, all new writers could use some help. Have you joined a writing community? I'm on a free writing site called http://chapteread.com/ They have great features for receiving feedback. They have a private writing area - which i use all the time! It really easy and organized. Worth checking out!