Free Safety Signs

What do you think of my prologue?

Looking for some helpful criticism here. The five men walked briskly through the polished white hall. Of the five, two were uniformed guards while the remainder were lab scientists. They approached the end of the hallway and one of the guards stepped forward. He punched in a set of codes and the black steel reinforced door they were facing swung open gently. He motioned for the scientists to pass through and then stepped in behind them. They were in another hallway very much akin to the one that had just exited only that the light here was dimmer. On one of the walls by the side of the door, the guard now punched in a different set of codes and a series of beeps could be heard as one by one the invisible laser beams in the hallway were deactivated. He waited for the beeps to stop and then signalled for them to move along. They reached the end of the hallway and the guard stopped. He stepped back as one of the scientists moved forward. The scientist lowered his body and stared directly into the hollow tube by the side of the door. The machine hummed to life, a probe emerged from within and a noise confirmed that the machine was now scanning the scientist’s retina. The probe was retracted and there was a satisfying click as the door swung open. The three scientists stepped into the next room and the guards followed suit. One of them turned to look at the guards and gave them a questioning look. “My boss has instructed that we remain with you throughout your operation” One guard said curtly. The scientist who had challenged them shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and continued into the room. They were in a very large square room designed in the style of a Zurich Bank’s safety deposit vault. Large fire proof, reinforced metal compartments were built in on nearly every part of the wall and glass vaults were randomly scattered around the room. A sign at the entrance had read ALPHA ONE The scientists moved immediately to the vault at the furthermost end of the room in the left corner. There was a sign on the door ALPHA ONE A Here one of them moved his thumb across the fingerprint scanner on the glass entrance and the vault door clicked open. The inner walls of the vault were lined with glass shelves. Nearly all of them were empty save for the one directly across from the entrance. The lead scientist approached this line of shelves and extracted a pair of latex gloves from his pocket. He put them on and then turned to the three glass vials on the middle shelf. The other two scientists stood casually on either side while the guards peered over their shoulders with curiosity. He carefully picked up one of the glass vials and then twisted the top anticlockwise. The cover slid back and the scientist looked into it. He frowned and set it down. He turned to the second vial and opened it as well. His face lost all colour as he stared into the vial. Fearing the worst, he set the second vial back on the shelf and repeated the same procedure with the third. His jaw dropped in dismay as he turned to the guards who were now viewing him with confused looks. “The vials are empty,” He declared in an astonished voice. The scientists were dumbstruck while both guards looked equally horrified. The older and more superior guard was the first to react. Spinning rapidly on his heels, he reached out and pressed a blue button on the vault wall. Instantly an ear piercing alarm could be rang through the room and continued outside the walls. He turned back to his colleague “Inform the director, I’ll go ahead and shut the facility down”

Public Comments

1. Okay so...i couldn't even finish the rest cuz i got bored. I'm not trying to be insulting...promise :] I just feel it doesn't flow very well. Ur all like, "They did this," then "They did this." Its like you set down your pencil after one sentence then picked it up for the next then sat it down again. It needs to be more fluid, it seems a bit monotone. Perhaps find a way to set your voice up in the storytelling.
2. I'm afraid I have to agree with the first answerer, I was bored before I reached the end of that. A good prologue should make you want to read the rest of the book, it should draw you in and intrigue you, and I just didnt feel that from your writing.
3. Again, I agree with the previous answers. The writing is not bad but the fact that this is the opening to your book is the problem. The first paragraph must grab the reader's attention. If it doesn't they will not read on. This is too dense, not punchy enough and doesn't make you want to continue. Try making the first few paragraphs shorter and more exiting with less description. Maybe set the scene with an overview rather than going straight into the detail.
4. Me 2 definitely. This is again the thing u should learn to show, not tell. Ik now ppl hate hearing this so i'll explain it the way i understand it. so telling, is "THen they did this and something happened and the character felt sad bla bla" and showing is more describtive and it's like feeling the characters and be very well aware of the surroundings but not too much detail... hard to explain hehe